My life has just been so boring, there hasnt been worth writing onto this blog. :(
I’m bored with my food. I’ve been eating out a lot lately, and trying to make healthier choices when eating out. But when I’m at home, I always make the same old same old. Same 2 eggs for breaky cooked the same way, same smoothie for my snack., and same grilled chicken with salad for lunch. I’m tired and I’m bored, and right now I’m finding it really difficult considering that all I eat are carbs. I’m fine getting rid of the white rice that most filipinos eat, but not having bread? I miss eating sandwiches and eating wraps. Those things are healthy, but losing weight is just difficult. There’s one thing to feel guilty about eating desserts and junk food. But I’m really upset with the fact that I feel guilty eating a sandwich.
I’m going to see my nutritionist today, so hopefully he can address all these concerns. Yes, I want to lose weight and be healthy, but I dont want to be miserable…and honestly, thats exactly how I felt with my lunch today. I didnt finish my food.
a dream that was so much better than my reality. Sometimes I wish I could just live in a dream because in my dreams I’m fearless. I take more chances, I have more experiences, I do more things and nothing holds me back (as lame as that sounds.)
Not because they dont know what it is like to feel lonely, but they dont know how to feel it the way that I do. I’m tired of not having any experiences in my life. Not that I havent tried, because I have. I just havent had any luck. I’m tired of this “your time will come” bullshit. And the “trust me, you wouldn’t want a boyfriend”. Because its shit. You dont know what I want. And you may think its crazy that I want what you people have: dysfunctional teenage relationships. I want a boyfriend to bitch a moan about so that you could harshly judge me as I do you. I want nice things and grand romantic gestures where I would say “that’s fucking lame” if it were to happen to anyone else. I want fighting. I want corny. I want to feel something. I’m so numb right now to people, sometimes even my friends. Dont get me wrong, I miss all of you and I’m glad all of you are home for the summer but I feel like everyone’s gone through changes, and I’m the only one who’s staying exactly where they’ve been most of their life (with the exception of the rise in my own self esteem.)
I’m enough. I’m more than enough…so why doesnt anyone want me?
I havent talked to you in a while, and do not plan on talking to you again because its as if you dont value my worth or my friendship. You pretend like you do to cover up your own ass, but you’ve never cared about me. I feel like ever since I told you I had feelings that were growing for you, you backed away so much even though I said that all I wanted out of this was to be friends and you let you know that I appreciate you as a person. I guess I had a bad judge of character because I’ve realized that you’re everything I DONT want in a boyfriend, let alone a friend. And now making a list of all of your flaws will make me feel great, so that I shall do:
I feel like I’m on a roll and that I should keep on going because it feels great, but I’m just going to stop wasting my time on you. I feel like maybe subconsciously, behind all that “trying to be friends crap” I still had some sort of feelings for you. And I’m so bitter and angry, and disappointed now that all I want to do is destroy you.
I really hope to never see you again.
Making new friends can sometimes be difficult even to the most social butterfly. I think when put into a situation, I do pretty well most of the time when meeting people. I try to make things less awkward as possible by asking them questions and being interested in them. And after all that is gone, you need to decide whether or not you want this person in your life. Trying to figure out your own intentions vs. whether this person is mechanically built the same way as you is different. That might not make any sense so let me further explain what I mean.
Friendship is really important to me, but I need to know when to give up on one. For example, time and time again, for some reason every time I’ve been rejected by someone I normally dont mind putting myself in that “friendzone” because I want to be close with them and I want to get to know this person more even though they dont feel the same way. But I’ve realized that if your intentions are different, most of the time this friendship doesnt work out. I’ve put these people on pedestals and I’ve had these wildy high expectations of them. When they fail to fullfil them, I usually get really disappointed or even angry with them. I need to realize that its not their fault their actually terrible people and incompatible friends (doesnt happen all of the time, but most.)
Now I will explain the latter of that last part in the first paragraph. I dont mean that your friends have to have the same common interests as you. They dont need to look like you, dress like you, like the same music or even the same hobbies. When I look at my friends we’re all so different in some ways. we may have some similar interests because we have rubbed off on each other, or thats initially how we got to know each other. But you realize who your real friends are when a situation arises and you both have to figure out how to deal and get through. I am the type of person who doesnt hint things, if I’m angry or upset, I will tell the said person who is making me feel that way because to me, it shows that I care enough to say something and vice versa. I would much prefer a screaming match then a silent argument where you have to pretend that nothing happened the next day. I need to hear these things out loud and in person. When you speak to me, and I to you, it shows me that I’m worth your time and worthy of being your friend.
I guess there are more factors to look at when making and establishing new friendships, but these are the main things I’m concerned about.